If you though that it was just the snotty opera lovers of this world who had it in for the humble brass band, then think again.

Now it’s Agony Aunts too.

Mrs Mills

In a letter to Mrs Mills, the Sunday Times Magazine Agony Aunt, this weekend just past, a distressed ‘RA of Dartford’ wrote complaining about the ‘in flagrante delicto’ noise made by the couple in the flat below them, whose bedtime activities were driving them to despair – especially as their mother in law was due a visit in the next few days.

"We can hear every gasp, slap and friction sound," they wailed in search of help.

As soon as they start, try blaring out a recording of 'Stars and Stripes Forever'Mrs Mills, Sunday Times Magazine

To the rescue

Mrs Mills came to the rescue, with her antidote to curb their over enthusiastic couplings, curtly replying in best Mary Whitehouse prose:

"As soon as they start, try blaring out a recording of ‘Stars and Stripes Forever’. Nothing, in my experience is as anaphrodisiac (the very opposite of getting someone in the mood) as a brass band."

Turn on

Mrs Mills was aware however that perhaps a certain type of person (perhaps brass band lovers for instance) would find the sound of a brass band playing one of Sousa’s greatest marches something of a turn on though.

"However," she added, "...it is possible that they are really pervy and Sousa only spurs them on. If this is the case, then bang frantically on the door, shouting: Is everything all right? It sounds as if someone is in difficulties."

Now you know…